Sometimes when I say "I don't want to be here," I kind of don't even mean here as in this town. I kind of mean here... as in earth. existing.

But then I tell myself that it's stupid, and selfish. If I really felt that way, it would've happened already. So I get over it.

So basically it's 230 in the morning, and I know very well I'm not going to be able to sleep for a while, so I figured I'd try to compile a few of my thoughts so they're not all roaming around my head in some attempt to reach sleep... maybe... In any case, my dog isn't here, so the fact that he's not downstairs snoring his brains out is really bizarre right now. It's so odd when you're used to these daily noises, and all of a sudden they're not there. I don't really know what to think about that right now. He's on medication right now, and hopefully that helps him, but there is the possibility that we're going to have to put him down. My mom told me this on the phone right as I was getting in the car to go to my philosophy class, and I sat there crying, trying to collect myself so I could drive and sit through my class with this sense of dread permanently placed in my head. And all this isn't really that huge of a deal, simply because he's my dog and not a real person, but he's a big part of my family. He's the only one who actually gets excited to see me, and depends on me to do things for him. He doesn't get mad at me if I'm rushing around and he's sitting there watching me be a complete basket case. And I don't really think it's one of those whole "you don't know what you've got til it's gone things" because I never really thought that statement was true (sorry Nick). I feel like people have a sense of what they have, you are aware of what you have and what you don't have, the truth of the matter is they never really thought they would lose it. You don't go through life thinking on a daily basis, I could lose everything right now. It's not part of your mental capacity. And sure people say the whole "live every day like it's your last" but I don't think everyone has this conscious thought of doing so every moment of their life. But I'm okay, I really am. And all this was making it's way through my brain, in addition to lots of other random tidbits of information. I know that I always make my problems seem like they're big issues, and I feel bad for that. I know there are a lot of people who have things way worse than I do, and probably handle themselves a lot better than I ever could.