Sometimes when I say "I don't want to be here," I kind of don't even mean here as in this town. I kind of mean here... as in earth. existing.

But then I tell myself that it's stupid, and selfish. If I really felt that way, it would've happened already. So I get over it.

So basically it's 230 in the morning, and I know very well I'm not going to be able to sleep for a while, so I figured I'd try to compile a few of my thoughts so they're not all roaming around my head in some attempt to reach sleep... maybe... In any case, my dog isn't here, so the fact that he's not downstairs snoring his brains out is really bizarre right now. It's so odd when you're used to these daily noises, and all of a sudden they're not there. I don't really know what to think about that right now. He's on medication right now, and hopefully that helps him, but there is the possibility that we're going to have to put him down. My mom told me this on the phone right as I was getting in the car to go to my philosophy class, and I sat there crying, trying to collect myself so I could drive and sit through my class with this sense of dread permanently placed in my head. And all this isn't really that huge of a deal, simply because he's my dog and not a real person, but he's a big part of my family. He's the only one who actually gets excited to see me, and depends on me to do things for him. He doesn't get mad at me if I'm rushing around and he's sitting there watching me be a complete basket case. And I don't really think it's one of those whole "you don't know what you've got til it's gone things" because I never really thought that statement was true (sorry Nick). I feel like people have a sense of what they have, you are aware of what you have and what you don't have, the truth of the matter is they never really thought they would lose it. You don't go through life thinking on a daily basis, I could lose everything right now. It's not part of your mental capacity. And sure people say the whole "live every day like it's your last" but I don't think everyone has this conscious thought of doing so every moment of their life. But I'm okay, I really am. And all this was making it's way through my brain, in addition to lots of other random tidbits of information. I know that I always make my problems seem like they're big issues, and I feel bad for that. I know there are a lot of people who have things way worse than I do, and probably handle themselves a lot better than I ever could.

Do you ever sit and think of all the reasons why you are the way you are? Or wonder why certain things stick with you, while you're able to blow other things off like it's completely no big deal? Up until middle school, I was fairly confident. I could audition for any show, do anything, and have all the confidence in the world that I would get the part I wanted. Because I was that good. Because I deserved it. But in 6th grade, everything changed. And I guess you could say some of the changes were for the better, but a lot of it sucks now. For a while I was starting to think I was better than everyone, and looking back on it, that's not something I'm particularly proud of. And in order for you to understand these changes, I'll give you the basis of the situation. So I was pretty much involved in something that could have been made into a lifetime movie. People who I thought were my friends turned into these awful people who's main goal was to ruin my life. I literally came home crying every single day, and really considered dropping out of school. It was awful. From that point on, I had to change a lot of things about the way I was. I stopped trusting people as much as I had before, and I never got too close to anyone, because I was fearful that they all had ulterior motives. My confidence was literally shredded into nothing, simply because people were mocking my personal appearance on a daily basis, and it was so drilled into my brain that I started to believe everything they were saying was true. And I guess this is also why the concept of love is so foreign to me. The days when this boy I had a pretty substantial crush on would ask me out, and then walk away and laugh about how funny it was that he asked out a hideous creature such as myself. And I guess for me to still think that it's true, almost 9 years after the fact is pretty ridiculous, but it was a huge turning point in my life. And I doubt I'll ever forget it.

All of the posts on here are stupid and self centered.

So basically, I understand that people could say that there's a lot I haven't done, simply because it's true. I mean, I'm 20 years old. I'd like to think I have a lot of my life ahead of me still, where I willl have the opportunity to do a lot of these things. But for someone to point it out in a really condescending fashion makes me really upset. Like I understand, I haven't actually been in a legitimate relationship ever, but do you REALLLY feel the need to mock me because of it? I'm sorry, who told you that you could decide what I do with my life? Fuck off.

I hate myself. I hate everything. I do this to myself all the fucking time, and it's some booolshyt, like, let's be serious.

So lately I've been thinking a lot, and generally when I do that I freak out, and generally when I freak out I blog... hence this post. I completely envy people who know exactly what they want to do in life. I seriously go over everything in my head, and there's really nothing that fascinates me so much that I'd like to make a career out of it. And sure, I could settle for something that I'm decent at, but I'm not going to spend my life working at some place doing something that I'm only mildly interested in when I could be doing anything I want. And maybe that's the problem. When I have too many options I don't know what to do with myself. Even for instance, when I'm writing a paper. If a teacher says "write about whatever you want" I draw a blank. I can't do this. There are so many endless possibilities, I can't even fathom to think of all of them, let alone narrow that list down to one topic that will end up being my paper. And maybe the issue lies with the fact that I dread thinking about things. How instead of facing stuff, I flee. I don't like confrontation, I don't like facing reality, I would rather leave a problem unsolved and never have to think about it again, than go through the whole ordeal of fixing everything. I've quit almost everything I've ever done, and if my past has any indication of what lies ahead, my future is screwed. And the most frustrating part is all of this is my fault, all of this could have been avoided. Everything is not okay, but the good thing is I can pretend like it is. And maybe that's what life is. Everyone pretending like they're happy, like they don't care, like they do care, like they believe you, like they believe IN you. How is anyone supposed to believe in me when I can't believe in myself? I don't feel like I'm worthy of being believed in. I don't feel like I'm even worthy of being liked.